Failure

[rungout]

WHO: Rung, Open~
WHERE: He's wandered into Alpha Trion's Quadrant.
WHEN Sometime after the bad session with Fortress Maximus.
WHAT: He failed at the only thing he's ever truly been good at and he feels miserable because of it.
WARNINGS: N/A


Rung felt like a failure; an absolute failure in what he was supposed to be good at. He was supposed to help Fortress Maximus, do what he could because that's what his function was, and yet he'd completely fallen apart when the other had gotten upset and instead of helping he'd probably caused more harm than good. He'd lost his composure, let his emotions come through too much, and hadn't been able to keep his own haunting memories at bay.

It was everything that therapist wasn't supposed to do.

A small voice in the back of his head reminded him, as he walked along lost in thought, that the incident was still fairly fresh--recent enough that at times he could still feel the sting of the blow to his head--but a larger voice, the more stubborn one that Rung was letting have control at the moment, argued that it didn't matter. He should have been able to put it all aside and not let it get to him. He should have been able to calm Fortress Maximus down and helped him instead of freaking out.

He'd thought about retracting his offer for the time being, since he didn't feel like he was a good enough doctor to help anyone now, but he'd already made steps with several and he couldn't--wouldn't back out on them now.

But he'd never really felt more worthless in all of his existence really.

Rung had been so lost in thought that he didn't really realize where he'd ended up until he finally caught sight of a lake, the therapist's optics flickering as he slowed to a stop, staring out over the waters before finally looking around. It was very serene in a way, peaceful in a way that reminded him of what Blurr had said.

This must be Alpha Trion's quadrant.

Hesitating for a moment more, Rung's vents cycled softly as he pushed forward, heading down closer to the lake to just sit and..stew some more. Berate himself some more? Something like that...

Comments

hope this is okay? i need to get Drift out more.

[sword_redemption]

Sometimes, it just feels good to drive. Not even particularly dangerously, forcing himself to focus on every weight shift and turn. Sometimes it just felt good to have the world move under your tires. Maybe it was a false sense of progress, but maybe that was enough of a thread of hope.

So he's driving, headlamps off, through the dim light, heading closer to the water, engine thrumming. He spots the shape, and slows, not sure if he should approach. Because whoever's out here, might want to be left alone, too.

Of course it is! BD

[rungout]

Rung pauses near the water's edge as he registers another presence--a familiar one--close by, turning slightly to try and get a visual on Drift. He smiles faintly, lifting a hand in a bit of a wave, a clear indication for the other, he hopes at least, that he doesn't mind the other's presence.

As much as he just felt worthless and like a failure at the moment, he could easily put that all aside in favor of being around someone he was at least comfortable with.

So the therapist slowly sank down to sit, weariness taking over him finally as his vents cycled slowly.

[sword_redemption]

Well, that was a positive sign, at least. Drift slows to a stop and then rises, approaching on foot, and dropping down to sit next to the orange mech. "Beautiful lake," Drift said, blandly. He doesn't want to force anything from Rung. "Peaceful."

[rungout]

"Very much so," Rung replied quietly, drawing his legs up a bit to rest his arms around them, staring out over the water for a moment before glancing at Drift. "How are you fairing?"

Hopefully someone else was having a better time than he was at current.

[sword_redemption]

Drift watches the play of light on the water for a long moment, so there's no sound between them but the soft lap of water on the shore. "Nothing worth any trouble," he says, finally. "Glad to see you're getting out a bit."

[rungout]

Rung was enjoying the silence, to be honest, content with the others comfortable presence and just the serenity of it all. How long had it been since he'd had a moment like this?

"I've..been trying," he replied softly, glancing at Drift again as he drew his legs a bit closer. "And don't say that. You wouldn't be troubling me if you needed to talk, Drift."

[sword_redemption]

"If you ever want a guided tour, I'd be glad to." It's an offer he doesn't expect Rung to take: not a lot of mechs want to spend time with him. Still, sometimes the offer matters.

"If it was ever that important, I would." He risks a smile. "I'm not sure how good you are in relationship therapy. Probably not a lot of call for it during the war." He hopes that's funny.

He can't help but notice that Rung seems a bit...droopy. Okay, maybe that's not the right word, but he keeps trying to like curl up into a ball or something and that's probably not right. "And, uh, you can talk to me, if you want."

[rungout]

"I would appreciate that, actually," he said softly, offering the other a small smile because, contrary to what Drift might thing, Rung enjoyed the comfort that the white mech had to offer. There was an odd serenity that Drift himself seemed to carry with him most of the time and the therapist really liked it.

"Ah, no, I suppose I haven't done much of that sort of thing," Rung admitted with a sheepish sort of chuckle. "But I could try..or at least just listen. If you need it." Because everyone needed someone right?

And speaking of that...

Internally the therapist winced, knowing he was caught in a sense and he was quiet for a moment before his shoulders sagged just a bit.

"...I don't think I'm quite cut out for my job like I use to be. I had a rather bad experience today with a former patient that I was trying to reconnect with and..." Rung trailed off, optics dimming some. "...I lost my composure and let fear get the best of me."

[sword_redemption]

"Offer's open any time." He flashes another smile.

He stretches one foot out, letting it ripple the water in front of them, watching the rings ripple out from it.

"Listening would be good." Everyone was so bent on thee idea that he should just 'talk to Wing', as if it would fix everything. Nobody, it seemed, listened, really, to him.

"Once." Drift's browridges knitted. "One bad experience. In over four million years, you let fear get to you once." A smile, the kind intended to take the edge of the words. "I can't think of any soldier who's only given into fear once, Rung. Be gentler with your standards for yourself."

[rungout]

"Thank you, and likewise. If you ever need to talk, just come find me alright?" he said happily, feeling a touch better in a way just having someone to talk to like this; someone that was being so kind to him. It was still odd to him but he liked it, at the same time.

The therapist's shoulders sagged a bit and he nodded slightly, knowing that Drift was right. It was just hard not to feel like such a failure at the moment. Especially since it was Fortress Maxmimus.

"I just..feel like I should have been able to handle the entire thing better but things..just got a bit out of hand and I couldn't keep the fear tucked away I suppose. Or the phantom pain." The last bit was admitted in a much softer voice, Rung absently reaching up to touch his helm a bit.

[sword_redemption]

"I will. Or," Drift said, almost shyly, "we could just talk. Not everyone has to be a patient, Rung."

"It's easy to think in retrospect what we 'should' have done, but that doesn't help. All we can do is try to do better." He laughs, looking down at his foot in the water. "Though...maybe I'm not the best to give advice about that."

He catches the motion, tilting his head. "That wasn't the sparkeater."

[rungout]

Rung's optics flickered before he suddenly looked extremely embarrassed with himself, ducking his head a bit.

"I--yes, sorry I didn't mean it like that. I just--of course," he said quickly, feeling like an awkward fool again. He really just couldn't break away from his work could he? Lack of social interaction over the millenia had really started to take its toll on him it seemed.

Attempting to collect himself, Rung focused on the foot Drift had in the water, resisting the urge to reach out and touch the water for the moment--as intriguing as it was.

"You are a better mech to give advice than you realize, Drift. At least in my opinion...you have a good view of things," he said softly, flashing the other a faint smile before it faded just as quickly. His gaze fell back to the water and he finally reached out to touch it, brushing his fingers over the surface some.

"No....it....was someone else. A member of the crew actually," Rung said in an almost whisper.

[sword_redemption]

"Don't apologize. Just...it's easy to get stuck in the same rut, the same perspective. That's all." It's probably strange that one of the most terrifying Decepticons trying to make good is probably the most sane of Rung's crewmates.

"It's hardly a perfect view. But I know that blaming yourself for your past doesn't make it different and it doesn't bring you peace."

Drift frowned. "Something happened I don't know about." Statement of the obvious. "But you're all right? Physically?"

[rungout]

"No..it doesn't. I just have to get over this initial bump I suppose," he murmured, giving the other a weak smile before he shifted forward a bit as he looked away once more, cupping his hand to scoop up some of the water.

"Yes...and yes, I..have my head so I suppose that's leaps and bounds ahead of where I was," the therapist attempted to joke but it came out weak, shaky even. His head throbbed briefly and he let all of the water slip from his hand as he lifted it up to his head to touch it lightly. "Things just took a turn for the worse at one point along our trip."

[sword_redemption]

"Just give yourself time," Drift said, quietly, watching the other toy with the water.

"Your...head?" That...wow, he just really hoped that was some sort of expression.

He gives a shrug. "I think from that first explosion we haven't had much go right."

[rungout]

Rubbing his head a bit more again, Rung looked to Drift and gave the other yet another weak smile that didn't hold for too long.

"Yes..my head. I..took a shot to the head that was meant to incapacitate the one holding Whirl and I hostage," he explained, voice faltering slightly. That entire situation was just so..so wrong. If only they hadn't attempted to fire at Fortress Maximus...

Rung lowered his hand, a sad feeling sweeping over him.

"I hate to say it but..that is quite true."

[sword_redemption]

"Oh." Well, what do you say to that, really? "I had the Red Rust when I arrived here, so...," right. SO helpful. Drift subsides into silence.

"But maybe that's all a test, right? Maybe we have to prove ourselves worthy."

[rungout]

"I remember that," Rung said, worry tinging his voice as he turned a bit to face the other some more, optics displaying the worry as well. "Were you able to find a cure quick enough? I mean, obviously you are alright now but you didn't have to suffer long with it did you?" he asked, hoping the answer was no.

That entire thing just didn't seem pleasant at all, forget his own issues.

The therapist thought about it for a second before turning to glance out at the water then up to the sky.

"Perhaps...it's a trying test though. A very trying one."

[sword_redemption]

"Pharma manufactured a cure." He gives a careless shrug. There had been complications from that, but those didn't matter. Ancient history. Suffering..didn't matter. Why would it?

Rung probably wanted to be alone. He rose to his feet, slowly.

"Perhaps we have a lot to prove," Drift mused.

[rungout]

A weak sounding chuckle escaped Rung, the therapist having avoided the bit about Pharma since he really wasn't sure what to make of that particular bot's presence here, looking to Drift again as the other rose.

Leaving already?

"Perhaps we do. Considering the state of our Cybertron, it's not all that unlikely is it?"

[sword_redemption]

"We should be grateful we're allowed any chance. There's no wonder other species hate us." Or why they hate themselves.

He gives a shy sort of shrug. "Anyway, you came out here for peace, not to listen to me."

[rungout]

"I came out here to get away from the ghosts haunting my quarters at the moment," Rung said softly, sincerely. "You are wonderful company, Drift, despite what you might think and I wouldn't mind if you stayed."

Though if the other really wanted to go, Rung wasn't going to make him. The therapist knew that he, ultimately, wasn't the best company most of the time.

[sword_redemption]

Drift nods. "Sometimes getting away helps clear things. Like letting smoke dissipate." It's a metaphor Rodimus might have liked.

"I just don't want to intrude." He wavers on his feet. He doesn't have anywhere to go, really. And too much on his own mind.

[rungout]

"Indeed," the orange mech murmured, hoping his ghosts would dissipate quickly.

"You aren't intruding, not at all, Drift. I promise," Rung said sincerely, hoping that the other would stay for a bit longer at least. His company was nice and the therapist really..didn't want to be alone right now, if he was going to be quite honest.

[sword_redemption]

"I'm not in any place to give advice or anything, but...just don't be so hard on yourself." He flashes a quick smile. "I think that's probably something you'd say to someone as advice."