re_alignment_logs | happiness is just a word to me. [CLOSED]

WHO: Gunmax | open to Blurr, McCrane, Drill Boy, Wing, and Kagerou.
WHERE: From the Badlands to the Haven.
WHEN Sometime after Gunmax and everyone else attempt to find Deckerd.
WHAT: The group return from their fruitless search. Gunmax quietly loathes the human heart.
WARNINGS: A CASE OF THE FEELS.

The whispering had been obnoxious to deal with. The strange, closing sense, something dark lingering out there. How empty it all was, barren, stripped of anything... good or existing. The Calling is there, as Wing said, and he hates to think that Deckerd fell to this.

But Prima had said it was true, that Deckerd had been claimed by it. And he knows not to particularly doubt Prima, who reminds him quietly of everything he respects about Deckerd and McCrane. That certain calmness, a balance of kindness but professionalism. There wasn't any good reason to test Prima's boundaries.

So in the end, it'd been pointless to try to find Deckerd, but he had to anyway.

Gunmax, while riding on his motorcycle, thinks of Kirisaki briefly. The friendship he'd formed, the trust he placed in him, and how that'd been tarnished. He'd been determined to work alone, but Yuuta proved himself, the selflessness of the boy touching him. Deckerd equally proved himself when he didn't have to, trusting Gunmax before the feelings were returned.

Deckerd promised to not leave him, if it was in his control.

He'll have to take that at face value, no matter how hard it hurts him. How much he feels like lashing out and just living alone, because maybe. Maybe it'd be better that way.

Instead, he rides in silence, heading as far away from the Badlands as he can.

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"How am I supposed to know that?"

Deckerd... would know. Someone else. Someone not Gunmax. He doesn't lead, he's more individualized; now more than ever, he wants to function on his own.

There's an angry, tired sigh from him. "We just go back. We work twice as hard. And we don't forget, most of all. Think you can handle that?"

"Because... you have more experience than I do. I thought..."

He trails off. Maybe it's better to leave it at that. Better not to press. He feels as if he owes the other robot something -- something he doesn't know how to give.

"You're asking me if I can keep something in my memories." He shakes his head, though his tone is mild, dry as ever. "I will never forget. I refuse to."

Silence, as he has to climb a little in altitude, avoiding terrain.

"Why don't they do something about this place?"

"All I know is that we need to keep going. No matter who's here... and who isn't. And who's lost for good."

It hurts him, deep into his damned heart. Knowing that Deckerd is lost for good. No amount of hoping or reaching or searching will change that. And if he sees Deckerd again, it may not be him.

He hates feeling this. This loss. He's sick of it.

"Maybe they can't. Or maybe they don't care. I don't know, ask Prima. He's the only one that ... doesn't bother me."

"Starscream came back. You don't know it's for good."

No, he doesn't really know why he's fighting this. He's not even truly part of this group. He shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't feel obligated to say anything -- since it likely won't be helpful anyway.

... He got to you, didn't he. If you lost someone out here...

"I will. If he answers..."

"I know that he was found when Wing and the others went out into the Badlands. We actively looked for Deckerd. That's different."

He wants to hope. Really, Gunmax does, but he's not going to waste time on something pointless.

Not that he wants to give up on Deckerd, but Prima sounded so sure...

"He should. He's the only one that gives a damn, I feel like."

There's not much he can argue in the face of that. Much as he doesn't want to admit Gunmax has a point... Gunmax has a point.

"Then we go through him. This... can't happen to another."

Maybe it's too little, too late. But -- honestly he feels as if he should be filling this silence, strangely enough. It feels like there's a lot unsaid, and something hanging on an edge.

Maybe he shouldn't be the one who came.

"I'm sorry. For what it's worth."

"We won't."

If one of the others were pulled. McCrane, Yuuta, Drill Boy, even Kagerou-- Gunmax couldn't forgive himself. Frankly, he isn't sure how he'd function, losing another person to that place. Sure, Breakdown came back, but with no memories. Deckerd...

Maybe they'd get lucky, but Gunmax isn't betting on it.

When Kagerou apologizes, Gunmax slows down his bike to a stop, staring at him. Then he practically snarls, "Sorry? What the hell do you care, about how I feel? Since when?"

He ends up passing the motorcycle when it slows and stops. He has to double-back, landing a few feet away. His head tilts, looking, for a second, embarrassed, before he smooths his expression out of habit.

He was right -- he shouldn't have come. Or opened his mouth.

"I didn't know what else to say."

It's the truth, at least.

"Do you really want me to answer the rest? Out here? Right now?"

"There's nothing else you could possibly say to make me feel worse right now, Kagerou."

The biker steps off of his motorcycle, approaching the ninja. A finger points at his chest, and he practically snarls out the next set of words,

"So just get it over with. This isn't for me. We don't like each other, remember? And if you're doing this for Deckerd, don't give me that crap."

"That wasn't..."

Wasn't what he'd intended. He trails off, watching Gunmax approach. He doesn't move, doesn't step back when he's pointed and snarled at. There are a lot of things he could say to that... if they hate each other, why assist each other? What is he expected to say right now?

"I'd go out there anyway, wouldn't I? For someone else. That's how important... this is..." He shrugs a shoulder.

It's not the same thing -- he can realize that. Yet, he feels the understanding is there, in its barest form.

"That was what you told me. And... that was why I did this."

"...Because you'd go out there for Shadowmaru. It always comes back to that, doesn't it?"

Why wouldn't it. Really, Gunmax shouldn't be surprised. Kagerou's downright obsession with Shadowmaru in his perspective is really starting to get borderline creepy. But it's true. Kagerou would do anything for him, wouldn't he?

The difference is that Gunmax would do just about anything for his teammates. Deckerd was jut the one he--

Yeah.

He stiffens at that, shoulders drawing up. A defensive posture.

"That... yes." There's exasperation in his voice, and he can't keep it down. "You said that yourself. Before we left."

He feels defensive, suddenly. It wasn't his choice of words. He hadn't even brought up the other ninja in that conversation -- so why is Shadowmaru suddenly being thrown back in his face?

"You asked me a question. I'm trying to answer it."

In the only way he knows how.

"Why is it wrong for him to be a part of the answer?"

happiness is just a word to me. [CLOSED]

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