happiness is just a word to me. [CLOSED]

[engrishdetective]

WHO: Gunmax | open to Blurr, McCrane, Drill Boy, Wing, and Kagerou.
WHERE: From the Badlands to the Haven.
WHEN Sometime after Gunmax and everyone else attempt to find Deckerd.
WHAT: The group return from their fruitless search. Gunmax quietly loathes the human heart.
WARNINGS: A CASE OF THE FEELS.



The whispering had been obnoxious to deal with. The strange, closing sense, something dark lingering out there. How empty it all was, barren, stripped of anything... good or existing. The Calling is there, as Wing said, and he hates to think that Deckerd fell to this.

But Prima had said it was true, that Deckerd had been claimed by it. And he knows not to particularly doubt Prima, who reminds him quietly of everything he respects about Deckerd and McCrane. That certain calmness, a balance of kindness but professionalism. There wasn't any good reason to test Prima's boundaries.

So in the end, it'd been pointless to try to find Deckerd, but he had to anyway.

Gunmax, while riding on his motorcycle, thinks of Kirisaki briefly. The friendship he'd formed, the trust he placed in him, and how that'd been tarnished. He'd been determined to work alone, but Yuuta proved himself, the selflessness of the boy touching him. Deckerd equally proved himself when he didn't have to, trusting Gunmax before the feelings were returned.

Deckerd promised to not leave him, if it was in his control.

He'll have to take that at face value, no matter how hard it hurts him. How much he feels like lashing out and just living alone, because maybe. Maybe it'd be better that way.

Instead, he rides in silence, heading as far away from the Badlands as he can.

Comments

[engrishdetective]

It's hard to want to let himself care about anything right now. It's easier to consider in terms of what Deckerd would do rather than how he feels, how he actually rawly feels right this moment.

When Gunmax finally makes his return towards Prima's temple, Gunmax doesn't even put his motorcycle into park. He turns off the engine, lets it fall to its side, and he marches up the steps. Him, not caring about the state of Gunbike -- that's not typical behavior.

He only pauses to look at McCrane and mutter, "Yeah, it's just us."

In case it wasn't obvious.

[mccrane]

That's it, then.

Even having expected those words, they're difficult to take. It hadn't been so long since the last time Deckerd had effectively 'died' to them, and it wasn't any easier then. This time, there's no Duke trying to nudge his way into command. This time, losing one of them means losing one of them, with no hope of salvaging even the AI unit.

He wishes to go look. He wishes to see this for himself, but there's nothing to see, so he only nods, and reaches out a hand to catch the motorcycle detective's arm. "We'll be more careful from now on."

It wouldn't happen again. Not now. Not since they'd learned it was possible.

[engrishdetective]

It's worse in some ways. Last time, both he and Shadowmaru tried to protect Deckerd. Sure, they failed, but they fought with everything. All of them did. They threw everything they had to protect and bring Deckerd back to himself.

This? They just... lost him. They lost him what feels like effortlessly. What is he supposed to tell Yuuta?

He almost jerks his arm away from McCrane, but a stupid little selfish fit like that won't help anything. So, he remains still and reluctantly looks up at McCrane, all too glad to have his shades on.

"Yep. Guess so."

[mccrane]

It is worse, having nothing that they can do.

It is much, much worse.

"It would be best to establish a system. Not just for us, but for everyone." Not wanting to dwell on this occurrence, he considers what needs to be done to prevent it, instead. "We'll need to pair off, to have someone to check in with each day. If anyone fails to check in, they can report it and we can investigate. We'll keep records." Of everyone who came, and of everyone who went. It's easy enough to plan.

It's harder to plan, knowing that Deckerd won't be a part of it. Deckerd had liked things neat and orderly and recorded.

His fingers tighten on Gunmax's arm, the only indication of the support he needs right now. He doesn't look at him, not yet. Not exactly. His eyes focus, instead, on Gunbike.

Left out.

"Do you need some time alone?" He asks, presuming the default for 'Gunmax in stress mode.' It would be hard for McCrane to be alone right now, but if it was what Gunmax needed...

Well.

It just wasn't usual for him to leave the bike like that.

[engrishdetective]

"Sure. A system," he responds, voice stiff and distant. No, he gets it, what McCrane is saying, but he can't process it completely. It's important, but right now, all he can conclude is what's missing. Who is missing.

The tightened grip earns a glance.

The automatic response to the question is a quick, "Yes."

Then he hesitates and makes a strained sound, his helm lowering. "...No."

How the hell did he become so dependent?

The hand on Gunmax's arm is gripped by the biker's free hand, as if to suddenly needing to assure himself that McCrane is there.

[mccrane]

McCrane isn't expecting to hear a no.

He's not expecting this, either, and the sudden touch back on top of his hand shocks him out of the daze he hadn't even known he was in. His eyes move from the bike, finally, to Gunmax, catching the way his visor is shadowed, catching the almost imperceptible sound, catching that slight trembling of Gunmax's hand--

No.

No, that's his own hand that's trembling.

He doesn't know what to do about that. He doesn't know what to do about any of this, but he can't admit that out loud right now. Saying it...saying it would make it real.

But he has to say something.

"Me either," he manages a whisper, and shifts his grip to take the hand lying on top of his, holding it tightly, willing himself to be steadier, to not shake. There won't be Deckerd. They can lose anyone else, at any point. Yuuta is going to be sad.

And he, right now, has to find some way to cope with these barely recognizable emotions.

They all will.

"I'll help you bring gunbike inside," he offers, softly, feeling only slightly more resolute. He doesn't let go of Gunmax's hand yet.

He doesn't want to.

[engrishdetective]

The tremble is felt and-- hell, he can't afford to selfishly feel upset, because it's not just him who hurts. It's all of them. Deckerd is precious to all of them, he knows that, and they have to try three times as hard for Yuuta.

"Damn it, McCrane."

He yanks a bit at the Combat Detective sharply by the hand to pull him in, throwing one arm around his shoulders for a tight embrace.

This kind of affection isn't typical of him, but he realizes quietly that it's sort of important to have right now. Because Gunmax is usually busy being a jerk to admit he might need it and McCrane's preoccupied with being strong and clear-minded and looking out for everyone else.

[mccrane]

"Gunmax..." He says, but it isn't the beginning of a question or an admonition or a denial. It is just a name, one that is familiar and important, right now. Even if he's surprised at the contact it doesn't stop him from wanting it, and it doesn't stop him from appreciating it, and it doesn't stop him from reaching out to reciprocate awkwardly.

Humans hugged.

Yuuta had hugged feet, when overridden by his emotions.

McCrane is more reserved than that, less prone to giving into whims and more stict at guarding his actions and reactions, always careful lest his desires get the better of him once again.

But desires aren't all bad. His desire for Deckerd to return is strong. His desire for Gunmax to stay, right now, is also strong. He can acknowledge that, and he can chose to give in because he needs it, and because someone else needs it, too.

"The Decker room is close to completion. We should stay there, tonight," he murmurs, looking at his grey hand against Gunmax's dark green, feeling a little less hollow for the embrace. A little more human. "All of us."

[engrishdetective]

Although boundaries mean a little less to Gunmax, he has his own boundaries, few as they are. He guards himself strongly, wary of others to some degree. McCrane, though... right now, he can't think of anyone else he can rely on. Right now, it has to be him.

So he holds tight for a moment, sighing angrily. Tired and frustrated.

"Heh. Like normal?" Gunmax murmurs quietly. "All right. All of us."

The idea, suddenly, that he might end up losing McCrane or Drill Boy frightens him. It's a strange surge of emotion sparking over his Super A.I. and Gunmax flinches a little. It's been several close calls for them, but after losing Deckerd, it's a very real possibility now.

No. He can't let that happen.