re_alignment_logs | you were in the darkness too

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you were in the darkness too

WHO: Kagerou + Shadowmaru (CLOSED)
WHERE: Wherever Shadowmaru is hiding himself.
WHEN: A few days after Kagerou's alcohol escapades.
WHAT: They need to talk. About the energon shenanigans.
WARNINGS: Drama queens. Both of them.

Everyone was urging him to do it. To go out and find Shadowmaru. He was terrified of what he'd find. His messages were still going through, so, at least, the other ninja was still here. Still present in the Haven.

Gunmax had said he'd try -- but that had been while they were both intoxicated. So who knew? Not that he didn't trust the biker bot. More he didn't trust the high grade involved. The only way to be sure was to seek out his friend himself.

Which he did.

It was fortunate they alone could sense one another. Otherwise he never would have found him.

The signal was coming from some wild, lonely place, hidden away in Vector's area. He'd only been out here a few times, taking Kay flying. Other than that, this place was unfamiliar to him. He had only the signal to really guide him, and even then, he landed a few feet from where he detected it.

Far enough away not to land on top of the other. Close enough to be detected.

"So here you are..."

Not the best way to open things. But he was nervous. Frantic, really. Hopefully it didn't come through in his voice -- he had to fight to keep it from shaking. All he wanted was for things to be all right again.

And he wasn't sure if they ever would be.

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Shadowmaru would have given it a few more days. Then again, he kept telling himself that. Day after day. Just a few more days. But the messages kept coming in on his link. And it struck something within his AI. He wanted to disappear. Having made a fool out of the both of them. Publicly, over the Link and--

His ears perked up, having been hiding in some foliage. He kept himself low to the ground as he heard a familiar engine above him. He couldn't run. What was the point? He would be followed. Shadowmaru felt himself press closer to the ground, orange optics dim, as if trying to hide further. Anxiety rose within his frame, and if he had a longer tail , it would be between his legs.

"...Kagerou."

He didn't know how tense he'd been holding himself until he heard that voice. He relaxed, out of habit, upon hearing it. Good. Shadowmaru really was here. Really was himself, still.

Some of the fear abated. But only some.

He knelt, slowly, where he stood. He knew better than to try and force a meeting. As much as he wanted to reach out, to pull that familiar frame over to him, rub his fingers over those ridiculous canine "ears"...

He waited.

"I've... been looking for you," he said, finally, his voice very soft, very tense. "I was so worried."

"I know." he said slowly, trying to control the shake in his voice. "I saw your messages."

He had lost count at about 23, of all the messages that the other BP unit had sent. he didn't wish to see how many exactly, having felt guilty enough for not responding to them in the first place. For hiding for so long. For being a terrible friend.

The canine slowly rose to his feet, stepping out from the bush, but made no motion towards the other bot. His head was lowered, ears drooped backwards, his stance hesitant. Which is unlike the prideful BP unit, who usually drank up all the attention. And now, it looked as though he was avoiding his shadow's gaze.

"I'm sorry."

"I... I see."

What else did he really say? He'd sent a lot more while he'd been intoxicated, probably due to Starscream's urging. He looked down, hands folded too tightly on his lap. His shoulders hunched up. This was awful.

This was just like what he'd worried about.

He should have known better than to try. Than to allow this to happen between them. As much as he'd wanted it -- it was foolish. He wished, again, he'd been built with the ability to cry.

Maybe that would help.

"Please. Don't say that." His voice came out tightly. He didn't have to look up to know Shadowmaru had all the marks of a shamed animal. Not something the other should ever show. "I don't blame you."

He sat down on his haunches, paws lifted up to cover the top of his head, shaking it insistently. "No! I... I acted like a fool. You wanted to talk, and then I... went and kissed you and then the red energon happned and...!" The ninja rested his paws back down on the ground. "And then I made a fool out of both of us. Out of you. Someone I care a lot about. All over the Link!" Orange optics flicker up to Kagerou, momentarily, before they returned to the oh so interesting ground.

"I was scared that you were... are mad at me." That's the last thing he would ever want, especially after all the two of them went through.

"This was the first time you'd been affected by this place's tricks... wasn't it?" he asked, very quietly. He still looked at the ground as well, still hunched in on himself. As if by avoiding that gaze, he'd manage to hold this together. "There isn't anything we can do, if it turns us crazy. Or... makes us do foolish things like that."

Because that's all it was, wasn't it? Just the energon. Not real feelings.

"I'm only worried," he admitted. He had to be honest. Shadowmaru deserved nothing less than perfect honesty from him. "Worried you never wanted to see me again. I'm not angry with you."

Maybe with this place. But that was nothing unusual.

Shadowmaru lifted his head, ears perked forward. It was still a relief but. Something still didn't feel right. The younger bot hesitantly took a few steps towards him, head lowered submissively as he peered up at him.

"I felt embaressed. I acted like a fool. I should have been stronger against that energon!" he almost whined, huffing irritated at himself. But he calmed down, ears twitching.

"You seem... disappointed." He said as he now sat down a few feet from him. "Did... did you want that kiss to truly happen?"

Edited 2014-04-09 04:05 (UTC)

He heard, rather than saw, the other bot come forward. His head was still bowed, posture still rigid, tense. How was he supposed to have this conversation when he didn't even know how to start talking? His wings folded flat against his back.

"No one ever is, Shadowmaru. Not me. Not you... not even the living robots," he said. He forced his voice to remain steady. To reassure the other. He wanted, after all, for Shadowmaru to be happy. Above all else.

Above... even his own happiness.

The next question caught him off-guard. He jerked a little, in place. The answer screamed inside his AI -- Yes, yes, I wanted it more than anything -- but he bit it back. What he wanted was of so much less importance...

Even though what everyone else had said clamored for his attention, too.

"I ... can't say," he said, finally. It came out choked. Like the words actually hurt him. "I don't know... I didn't think of it."

Liar, his AI screamed now.

Shadowmaru couldn't help but feel his AI sink. He didn't know? So it was a mistake. But why did his friend sound so hurt? Look so tense? The canine softly stepped up to his shadow and gently pressed his nose against his cheek, to get his attention. To get him to look up.

"Kagerou," he started softly, before he realized that he shouldn't be like this. In the next second, that nose was replaced by a hand, which tried to tilt his friend's head up. "I... I do feel something between us. Something I don't have with the others. Something that is entirely new to me." He shifted in place, pulling his hand away.

"I just felt, that what had happened, with the pink energon, it... happened too fast." Shadowmaru furrowed his brow, his hands fidgeting. "I want to take it slow." Whatever 'it' was. "But if you don't wish to pursue it, I'll understand."

However, that kiss they shared told him something entirely different.

He nearly flinched, at the simple touch. Nearly pulled away. For someone who'd been so determined to find Shadowmaru, to speak with him, he suddenly found himself second-guessing everything. Should he even be here --

Then he felt fingers against his face. That alone was enough to make him look up. He tried his best to keep his expression as neutral as he could, but... but someone who knew him as well as Shadowmaru would have no trouble seeing the uncertainty in his face. "Something...? What do you mean... something?"

He hated how hopeless and nearly desperate the words came out. Last time he'd heard something like that from his friend, it had been the energon at work. He knew that. He stared at him. At his optics, looking for any lingering flicker of pink. Did he... really dare hope it were different, this time?

Did he really dare say what everyone seemed to believe he should?

"It was too fast," he agreed, at length. His head lowered again, fists clenched against his knees. "I..."

It couldn't feel any worse. This place couldn't possibly get any worse. His sole optic shuttered, frame tensing.

"I feel something!" he blurted, sharply. "I've felt it since before you were here! Always for you! Every time I thought of you, spoke of you -- I felt something! I... I'm sorry!"

He had no idea why he apologized. Words ran out, and those two seemed all there were to fill the gap.

Shadowmary was taken aback by his outburst. It made his AI spark, with something he wasn't familiar with, yet again. His faceplate heated up as he pulled his hand back, but stayed where he was, kneeling in front of his friend. Gently, his hand rose again to rest atop his hand.

"Kagerou," he looked at him, no lingering pink glow in his optics. Bright green optics only stared at him, curving fondly over a smile that pulled at his lips. "I'm not mad with you." His hand tightened over his, a reassuring squeeze.

"I could never be mad at you, even if I tried. You could never do me wrong, in any situation." He stared down at their hands next. "This something, that I feel, I don't know how to explain it, Kagerou. It's something I don't experience often. Not when I was at home with the others, but whenever I was with you. I never thought I'd feel it again, but when I saw you for the first time, after all that had happened. It came back." He cleared static from his throat, looking up Kagerou.

"It feels like my AI is buzzing sometimes, when I'm around you. Do... you feel that way too?"

He didn't lift his head. Nor straighten up. He just sat there, tense, and waiting for the proverbial axe to fall. The first time had gone so horribly, how could this be any different? He didn't feel any better for saying it. Only infinitely more anxious.

He reacted to the touch as if burned. His whole body jerked, and though he didn't pull away, he looked up with far too much hopeful hurt in his face. "You aren't?"

The fingers tightened over his, and he seized the other's hand. Holding it tightly. Like a lifeline he thought he'd never hold onto again. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He didn't want to, in a way. If he believed it, it could be a dream. Right?

"It... You mean that?" It was a stupid question. A really stupid question. But it came out before he could stop it. He looked away for a moment, trying to collect himself. "I -- I do. I do feel that way," he admitted, finally. "I feel it all the time, just thinking about you. And I know -- I know how foolish that sounds, I really do."

He bit his lip. Very slowly, he lifted his head, meeting the other's gaze again. His voice lowered, almost embarrassed. "I like how it feels."

Shadowmaru smiled a little, reassuring again as he leaned in to rest his forehelm against his with a soft tink. But he pulled back. It was a friendly gesture, in order to get Kageoru's attention, and to feel at ease. He hated seeing him so tense.

"I mean every word I say. You trust me, don't you?" he asked as he let him hold his hand, noting the tight hold. The self proclaimed wolf rested his other hand atop Kagerou's and vented a small sigh. He gave another squeeze to their hands. Appreciative of the physical contact.

"I'm glad you feel the same way. But, I do wish to take things slow. To take things one step at a time." He said, rather carefully. They had to talk things out. He didn't wish for another Pink Energon incident to happen again. "I'm just... relieved we are on the same page."

Air cycled in and out of his vents, shuddering through him as he fought down a choked sound. A relieved sound. That contact... he'd missed it so much. He hadn't even had it that long, and yet he'd already become accustomed to it. Even the simple touch of hands was infinitely reassuring. His wings flicked, visibly relaxing.

Part of him still believed this could be a dream. Another hallucination.

"More than anything," he said, automatically. He didn't even have to think on that one. Trusting Shadowmaru, at the very least, was practically instinctive. He held onto the other bot's hands with both of his, in turn, still squeezing. "You know that."

Take things slow.

That was likely for the best. He didn't even know where to begin. Simply knowing there could be something there -- that all his fears were groundless -- it helped. That reassurance showed in the way his frame started to relax. In the way he actually met his friend's gaze.

The barest quirk of a smile at the edge of his mouth.

"You don't know how much of a relief that is," he agreed, quietly. "I... I wanted to tell you. Ever since I saw you again. But I didn't -- I thought it would be wrong of me."

Shadowmaru shook his head and held onto his hands fondly, his own smile widening on his face. "Kagerou, you could never do anything wrong in my optics." He said softly, his gaze gentle.

"Just, bare with me with all this. It's still all so new to me--" Oh dear, his face fell into a look of confusion and worry. "W-Where do we even start? With all... this?" With this odd sensation they both felt. Sure, they had to slow down, but where were they supposed to even start? Was this too fast? Shadowmaru stared down at their hands helplessly.

"Are we alright? Where we are now?" Holding hands was a good place to start, right?

"You were worried too," he said, shaking his head. "And you know I would never blame you..." They were oddly alike, in that uncertain aspect. Fearing they might drive away the other -- meaning so much to each other.

Once more, he shook his head, shifting nearer out of sheer habit. He never wanted to see those looks on that face. It should always be proud, he thought. "I have no idea," he admitted. "I know less than anyone, I think."

His own gaze returned to their hands, and a thumb stroked over the back of one of Shadowmaru's. Talking -- they were talking. And that was important. Kay said so. Rewind said so. Everyone he'd trusted to ask said so. Now he just had to trust their words, as he'd trusted them to keep quiet on the subject.

"We're speaking again," he said, finally. "And that's good. We have to keep talking. That's the most important thing -- talking with one another."

They'd both know what was right, then, wouldn't they?

"Of course I was worried. I... I don't know what I would do without you, again, or if you were mad at me." His hands fidgeted within Kagerou's, pursing his lips tightly. But he nodded, scooting closer to his shadow, feeling more comfortable. Assuring himself that everything was alright.

"We may have to ask some people. Maybe Ratchet, or Blurr knows a thing or two about whatever this is, between us." He stared back up at him, smiling wider, brighter, his optics almost sparkling. "Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll make it work."

Shadowmaru could feel that warmth rise in his AI once again, his faceplate heating up. "Yes, we are talking with one another. I'm happy that we are. Again, I'm sorry about running away. I promise, whenever something bothers me, I'll make sure to talk to you first." He cleared his vocalizer. "I trust you more than anyone else."

"If you could never be angry with me... the same is true of my feelings," he said, squeezing those fingers again. Constantly clinging, hoping to always stay in contact. His shoulder shifted, brushing the other bot's.

Contact. Finally. It would be all right, now. Little was more reassuring to him than that familiar contact. They could do this. Right? They were together. They were in agreement.

They had to be all right.

"Rewind," he said, firmly. He met the other's optics, and nodded. "Rewind has a partner. He gives good advice."

After all, he'd been right about all this, hadn't he?

He actually smiled, then. A real smile, soft and fragile as ever. He ducked his head, though there was nothing sorrowful or ashamed in the gesture. The tension and anxiety were rapidly fading, the longer he sat here, speaking with the other bot. The reason he existed...

"I believe you," he said. "I'll speak with you, too. I promise you." Another squeeze of his fingers. "Thank you. For listening to me. For trusting me."

Shadowmaru saw a glimpse of that smile. It... made his AI soar. To see Kagerou smile like that was all he really wanted to see out of his friend. The younger unit's smile grew into a grin, sparkling. He pulled his hands away and threw his arms around him, embracing him tightly.

He felt so relieved. It was a weight off his shoulders, after so many days of avoiding the topic that had been on his back, ever since he had returned to normal. Things were normal. No. Things were far better than what they were. Even before this whole energon incident.

Shadowmaru buried his face in his neck, trying to hide his grin, a small chuckle in his throat.

"I trust you with my life and more, Kagerou." And he held onto him tighter.

For a split second, he froze. He almost didn't believe he was really feeling this. That... after all they'd been through, all that had happened, he'd be held like this. Forgiven. It feels wonderful.

And, to know there was a feeling there. Whatever it may be. It was there, and he wasn't alone in it. He could have sobbed aloud, for how much of a relief that was. He held him tightly in return, pulling him as close as he could. As if to make up for the time lost.

"I..."

The words stuck. It still felt wrong, somehow, to say it. One hand pressed to the back of Shadowmaru's helmet, stroking lightly over the metal. When he finally got the words out, they were soft, almost reverent.

"I trust you... with my heart, Shadowmaru."

"Your.... heart."

Shadowmaru almost repeated as he pulled back to look him in the optic. His AI seemed to flutter as he looked at him, after what he had said. His arms stayed wrapped around his counter part, staring at him wide eyed before he slowly grinned, leaning his forehead against his again. He chuckled as he leans against him a little.

It's what Deckerd had always told them. About having a heart. Yuuta had given them all a heart in a weird sense of the statement. But, Shadowmaru had thought that maybe Yuuta had given his own a recharge in time. The child didn't give him his heart, it was already there before he had truly met him. Kagerou had been the one to mold it. To help it grow. Yuuta simply advanced it, after Kagerou's death. That grin of his almost sparkled.

"You've been talking to Deckerd, haven't you?"

"... Yes. Yes, my heart."

He almost laughed as he said it. There was a smile on his face, warmth in his AI. He'd never said that before. Never admitted it out loud. He didn't think it would feel good to do so. He leaned back against the other ninja's weight, his fingers playing over the other's armor.

Soaking up the contact.

He should say it to Kay, next. She'd be thrilled. In the absence of the others, of Yuuta, the girl had been instrumental. He'd never truly believed he was capable of having a heart. Not until... not until he'd felt it break.

"Not really, no," he admitted, tilting his head so that the gold plates on their head clink together. "Others. They... were very insistent." He actually laughed a little, again. "I didn't think they were right, though. Not until now."

Shadowmaru smiled down at him, a since of pride filling his AI. He was proud of Kagerou. He had grown so much in his absence. In a way, he was almost envious of the others who witnessed his growth. But at least he was here. Here with his shadow. His friend.

He slowly pulled back away from Kagerou, but held onto his hand. Slowly he stared to stand and helped Kagerou up, carefully as he did so, not wanting to force him up. But his grasp is warm and fond on his hand, his gaze approving.

"I'm so proud of you Kagerou. You've grown so much. And... I still have much growing to do myself." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I just hope you're... willing to teach me. After all that has happened. And where you now stand in status here."

That smile. That smile. It looked as if it could light up an entire world. Brighter than the sun -- more perfect than any star. And he was looking at it again. Finally -- after a literal lifetime, he was finally seeing it again.

He let himself be helped up. His hand stayed joined with Shadowmaru's, fingers stroking over the metal fingers. Things felt so much better, now. Kay and Rewind were right. Everyone was right. And the smile on his own face wasn't something he could hold back, realizing that.

"You will," he murmured, and, without thinking on it, stepped forward, his free hand touching the side of the other ninja's face. "I will -- teach you, I mean. I won't ever leave you again. We can figure this all out... together."

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you were in the darkness too

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