re_alignment_logs | That moment when...

Entry tags:

That moment when...

Who: McCrane and Kagerou
What: Both having died, they start to answer the call of the Badlands before waking up at the edge of the Haven together. Awkwardness ensues.
When: Now-ish.
Where: Haven's edge towards the new Badlands source.

Notes: None! Earth robots not understanding things, making pacts.

Technically, that wasn't true.

McCrane knew exactly where he was, because he'd spent long hours at Police Headquarters making certain that their communicator badges were reprogrammed to accommodate the larger radius of Cybertron. They weren't at 100%, he knew, because he was far from either a scientist or a mathemetician, but he'd had the time for it and it had needed to be done.

He was thankful for that, now.

He was less thankful to be staring out across the wastelands from a largish hill that he didn't remember climbing, wondering if he'd died.

That was the only explanation, wasn't it?

He'd lost memories here, before, and that had been the cause. He'd promised the team afterward that it wouldn't happen again, and while he knew that no one would or could hold him to that promise, he still felt terrible.

This shouldn't have happened.

He was supposed to be strong enough.

Both fists clenched at his sides, and he turned to head back inward to the Haven...

...which would have been easier if he hadn't walked straight into Kagerou.

~~~~~~~~

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"They will understand," he confirmed, feeling the need to re-assure the other even when he wasn't certain, himself. "When our duty takes precedence, we often have to leave on short notice. I could have needed your air support if I thought someone was heading to the badlands, for instance..."

He trailed off. It was a lie, and it was also not a lie. He did need Kagerou's support right now, and someone had been heading to the badlands. Toeing the edge like this does not set well with him, though, and he looks away to frown. "I just wish I was stronger."

Then, he wouldn't have to lie.

"Maybe, if there was someone to check in with us every few hours, we could keep track..." There were too many problems with the suggestion, however. A dedicated person would be needed to contact everyone, and with the population growing as it was that would not work for long. "A computer program might be able to do it, but I don't know how to make one."

"We... might have been looking for someone, you mean?" he asked. On some level, he likely understood it was a lie. But his mind wouldn't fully process the concept. He'd never had to lie before. "That's why we're here...? Because we were looking for someone?"

It didn't explain everything. Like why neither of them could remember coming out here. It was enough to push the unease away a little more, though he didn't move away from the other robot. Not yet. He tilted his head, the next statement confusing.

"What does strength have to do with this?"

He shook his head, bowing it slightly. "I don't know how to make one, either. Hacking into existing systems... using them to spy... I can do that. But I don't know how they work." His grip tightened again, and he looked up abruptly. "I don't want to be lost. I don't... I don't want to die out there."

Again.

He didn't know how to fix this. He just knew it couldn't keep happening.

"Does... there has to be someone who can help."

His lips purse, because he finds it hard to answer this.

"It is a possibility."

It's easier to answer, however, than to have to explain to Gunmax or Drill Boy later that he nearly made it out of the Haven without noticing. For now, its the best 'excuse' they have.

"I was not on guard against it. I should have been. I should have been strong enough to resist, but I don't even remember it beginning..." It is the part that terrifies him, and the part that makes him want to have a solution. Quickly. Even if they learn about it a few hours after it happens, that is enough time to track someone down before they are gone forever.

"We can ask. We need to ask. If all we can do is have a small machine that pings each comm...that would be more than we have, now. If someone doesn't answer--then we'll know something is wrong."

"Just a possibility."

It's not really a question. He wants it to be, in a way, to seek some sort of reassurance. But... this is the best they're going to get, isn't it?

"How... can you be strong against something you don't even understand?" he asks. "Something we can't remember?" Those words are chilling, and he shifts a little nearer, unconsciously, as a result. Nearer something real.

It makes sense, yes. They need help. They don't know what they're doing, alone. He's always asked for help... he just assumed the others were better at this than he is. "You mean tracking devices?"

"It is better than other possibilities."

McCrane wishes he had something more to offer than that, but he doesn't. Anything more concrete would become a definite lie, instead of an implied lie...and while he will lie if he must, he doesn't like it.

He doesn't like any of this, and at Kagerou's question he finds himself shivering, and reaching for the other's hand. "I don't know. We'll have to learn."

They'd have to learn how to be stronger, and learn about the badlands both.

The best way to begin that was to make sure they didn't lose anyone else in the process.

"Blurr suggested that many would not go for tracking devices, but I think we can do something similar. If we set up a communicator to send a ping to everyone, every few hours, and wait for them to send a return ping...then we'd know who was missing by who failed to ping. Then we could investigate--maybe in time."

"It... yes. It is."

He's hesitant to agree, just because none of this sits well with him. And it means he'll have to lie to Kay... after saying he had no secrets from her. From his family. His fingers curl a little more tightly around the small frame he's carrying.

The hand on his is... a surprise, to say the least. He blinks, somewhat taken aback, but doesn't pull away. "How?" he asks. "No one seems to know anything..."

He finds himself looking at the badlands in question. His wings flatten against his back.

"Wouldn't... we have to explain why we want such a thing?"

"No one knows anything because we have been unable to intercept those who have headed to the badlands. We need more data, and that will take time."

It wasn't impossible, however. With the badlands out there, so close, it might even have been a necessity.

"I don't think we'll need to tell them that we heard The Call, for them to understand why The Call is dangerous. Everyone has lost somebody, here..."

Deckerd. Toudou. Breakdown. He shivered, but with Kagerou's hand in his it was a little easier to consider this.

"Do you think you could get Perceptor to help?"

With Kagerou's other hand occupied, McCrane's attention was drawn toward it. "Is that him?" The flashes of black and purple were telling enough.

"Why... why haven't we...?"

He trails off. It wasn't really meant to be a real question, after all. Just him thinking aloud. His shoulders hunch a bit, and he glances back at the way they'd been headed.

"Maybe you're right."

Though he couldn't speak too much on loss. He hadn't been personally close to anyone who'd disappeared yet. Deckerd... he'd been working on it. But the other BP unit had vanished before he'd managed to warm too much to him.

A shame.

His fingers tighten briefly, at that. "I can ask him," he says, slowly. "He's helped me before. Maybe he will again."

The question surprises him a bit. Enough to look back at McCrane, rather than out over the wastelands. "It's... the small version of his frame... yes," he admits. Said aloud, it sounds silly.

"Because we have not had someone to coordinate it, yet." He'd thought about it, too many times, but he'd been part of the police force. He'd been busy.

Now, will be a priority. If he has to take charge of this project in order to keep protecting the populace, then it falls under the enforcer's jurisdiction, anyhow.

"Did you make it? It is amazingly well-constructed."

He hadn't seen anything like it, himself, but it wouldn't have surprised him to learn that Kagerou had some hidden talent like that. They all did, in some way or another.

"... Maybe he can help with that." He says it mostly to himself. Asking for Perceptor's help on something like this seems like a big enough favor to request, without asking him to head up a project like that.

Is it really his place to ask so much of someone? Perceptor has already counseled him so much. Maybe he's pushing the limit.

"No," he answers, quietly. He's not capable of making something so fine. At least, he doesn't think he is. Then again, he doesn't particularly think he's capable of doing anything beyond his predetermined purpose.

He hesitates over his next response.

"It... was given to me." By Gunmax -- which he leaves unsaid, for the moment. "I don't remember picking it up."

"If you could ask, I would appreciate it. It isn't something I know how to do, on my own..."

And it would help to keep a lot of people safe. Surely, that was worth the effort.

He doesn't let go of Kagerou's hand, but he does turn them away from the badlands, not wanting to be out there thinking about them any longer. It was nicer to change the subject, and to talk about something familiar, if tiny.

"Was that one of the memories taken from you when you died?"

"I will. If he can't help... maybe he knows someone who can."

Surely someone he admired so much would know what to do. Someone so experienced, and intelligent -- yes, it was fair to say the ninja viewed his friend with something close to hero-worship. Probably not healthy, but few of his relationships were.

He lets himself be turned. It's not something he wants to look at any longer, either. And nothing would be gained in protest.

"No," he shakes his head, his fingers curling securely around the small frame. "I meant... before I came out here. I don't keep it on me all the time."

It's too precious to him to potentially lose.

"I will leave that to you."

Its a simple statement--but McCrane says it seriously. He's going to trust Kagerou with this, because Kagerou has proven trustworthy in the past, and...maybe...because they share this, now. They both need a solution.

"Maybe..." He is quiet as they walk, thinking on this. "Maybe it was your connection to him that reminded you to come back. Maybe that is why you knew to grab it, even if you can't recall."

He just nods. It's fair to do. Perceptor is his friend, after all, not McCrane's. And... he has to do something worthwhile, doesn't he? He has to make himself useful to the others.

Instead of hiding away on the roof with Kay, as pleasant an option as that frequently seemed.

"You think... an empty frame kept me here?" he asks. There isn't anything accusatory or irritated in the question. He's asking clarification, even as his gaze drifts down, watching the little body while they walk. "If that's true... what kept you here?"

"I think that your connection to Shadowmaru is stronger than the badlands, yes."

It had been enough, this time.

"Just as my connection to my team--to Gunmax and to Drill Boy, Blurr, Ultra Magnus...and you, Kagerou, is..." He trailed off.

"It's important. I have a responsibility, and I cannot shirk that responsibility." McCrane shuddered, knowing that the badlands had managed to call him, nonetheless.

Even so, he was still there.

Again, he falls silent. That... makes him think. And, maybe it's true.

"... They say I love him," he says, his voice very soft. "If what you think is true... then... maybe they're right, too."

For all the good it really did.

The responsibility made sense. McCrane did seem like the sort to take that weight. The rest though. That was more of a surprise.

"Me?"

"Love?" McCrane looked over, startled a little bit. The word was a strong one. It seemed the sort of human emotion only reserved for intense connections, and unbreakable bonds...

But, yes. It made sense.

Kagerou and Shadowmaru had been made to be a pair, even if it was not their final destination.

"It could be love," he admits after a moment, wondering now if love was something he felt toward the Build Team. They'd...also been made as a set, and he could not imagine life without them.

That, and there was...Gunmax.

That was more complicated.

"Yes. Until you have decided what path you want to take, the possibility remains that you will return with us. If you return with us...you will need to be part of the team as well. You shouldn't be excluded."

"That's... what they said."

He has no frame of reference for it. If those he trusts said what it was, he has no reason to doubt them. He only knows how important the other ninja is to him. How much Shadowmaru means. How much being away from him physically hurts, on occasion. What he would give to...

But then, McCrane speaks, and he shoves aside that train of thought for now. "I don't know what else to call it," he says. "If there's another word for it... I can't think of anything else that describes what I feel when I think of him."

Part of the team...

He should know that by now. He should know he's... slightly accepted. And yet it still feels so foreign to think about.

"You don't believe I'm... stepping where I shouldn't?"

"They would know better than me." Especially about matters related to love. It was something that he didn't understand, entirely.

Missing people, that he understood. Feeling hollow without them around, or wanting to hear the sound of their voice, or smell the aroma of their tea...yes.

"If we're capable of loneliness, then we're capable of love--of filling that loneliness. If it feels right, then...that is enough."

Especially if it is enough to keep them away from the badlands.

"I can say the same of your involvement, Kagerou. It does not feel wrong."

It felt like Shadowmaru, and yet not. It wasn't bad.

"You don't know?"

That came as a surprise. He sort of assumed the rest of the Brave Police were better at all these things than he was. Maybe he was wrong.

"Loneliness..." He trailed off there. Now that was a feeling he was well-acquainted with. Not that he wanted it that way. Far from it. Just when everyone seemed to have their place and their friends... He had family, certainly. There was no denying that. But --

"I think I've forgotten what it feels like not to have that feeling."

Though the next words helped, somewhat. He nodded, cycling air slowly.

"If you're sure... You do seem to speak for the others, readily enough."

"I...don't. No. I only have suspicions."

Suspicions weren't facts, and without facts the police could not conduct investigations. However, they were enough for him to question the feeling, and to think more on it and...how it might have just saved him from the badlands.

"Kagerou..."

He did not know what to say to that.

"If I were the only one here from Earth, I think I would feel the same. I don't think its possible to stay lonely, though. There are those here who have come to mean a lot to me."

He looked over, glancing at the Shadowmaru puppet, before looking back towards the center of the Haven.

"But it still isn't the same. Maybe it shouldn't be. Having that loneliness can remind us we still care."

Maybe that was Love. He still missed Seia, more than he wanted to let on.

"Deckerd is not here." It was the only explanation he had for why he spoke for anyone. If Deckerd were there, he would defer to him, and he would always defer to anything that Yuuta asked them to do. Without those commands...he just did what he could to keep everyone together.

"I thought all of you would know. You're all... you seem so much more alive."

He'd said as much before. But not to McCrane. Maybe it would have been better to have that conversation with the more level-headed BP, than with the other. Then again -- it hadn't been a total loss of conversation, either.

He nodded, avoiding McCrane's optics. "I know. There are those who mean more to me than I thought possible..." Like Kay. Perceptor. Wing. Vandal. Even so, it felt as if there was a hole in his AI that nothing seemed to fill. "But..."

His fingers traced over the tiny wings.

"... They aren't him. And when I remember that, it feels painful."

There was no other way to describe it. Though, if that pain kept him from wandering off into the middle of nowhere to disappear, maybe... it was something to be grateful for.

He finally looked at McCrane, expression curious. "Are you leader, in his place?" he asked. "Second in command, they call it."

"I am not more alive than you. Older, perhaps, but...here, even I feel...young. We're surrounded by robots who have been fighting for millions of years."

He would suggest asking them about love, except for the fact that they'd been, well. Fighting for millions of years.

"We will have to learn, our own way."

Watching Kagerou touch the doll made it easy to see how their emotions did mirror those of humans, though, as well as those of the Cybertronians. It was not possible for them to not make connections.

"I...no." He shook his head. "I could never take Deckerd's place. I just want to continue doing my job to the best of my abilities, and that...is easier, if we work as a team."

He had led Build Team before, and here it was an easy role to fall into. He would have happily let Deckerd take back the position, however, because that was how things were.

"You seem that way," he said, almost sheepishly. "I don't know why... that's just how I feel, when I speak to any of you." A beat. "Young, yes. I understand that.

Because, out of all of them... he's the youngest, isn't he? Which makes him even younger, in comparison to all those living robots. He doesn't know anything, really, if they're what he has to look at.

"Learn. Right."

He kept tracing the familiar lines, the tip of his finger moving to rest under one of the doll's little hands. Almost like he was trying to hold onto it. He had to learn, didn't he? Learn to be... on his own.

"I didn't mean that," he said, looking up. "I meant... more temporary. You watch the others when he can't."

"We may have been programmed with data that you were not." McCrane hopes that that is all it is. He can't imagine how Kagerou would have a Super-AI and not be as alive as any of the Brave Police--especially not if he is capable of love. That would have been cruel of the humans...

Or, more likely, negligent. It seemed, always, that they didn't know how to handle the emotions of giant police robots any more than the giant robots knew how to handle them. The only one who had immediately understood was Yuuta--and then others, after him.

"That is why we interact with humans as much as we can. We were programmed by them...we have to learn from them. Simply having friends, here, can do us good."

Especially if it kept them from the badlands.

Maybe, though, that was why Kagerou had more difficulty connecting--he'd always taken his cues from another robot, instead of anyone else.

"That sounds correct." He felt strange, talking about Deckerd and his own position with the Brave Police. There was not a solid rank structure and, without regulations to fall back on, he was out of his element. Kagerou was right, though--when Deckerd was not there and when there were no outstanding orders, he would take control. "I have never tried to put a name to it, before. Perhaps second-in-command is correct, but...then there was Duke."

And Duke was a new element to him.

... of course. That would explain it. Wouldn't it? Something in his expression hardens a little, and he stares straight ahead, in sudden silence. "Right. Why load the disposable unit with things it won't need?" he murmurs, mostly to himself.

He'd asked a similar question before -- why would they teach me about the world, if they were just going to kill me? -- but no one ever had a satisfactory answer. Maybe there just wasn't one at all. No good answers, for when a shadow began to ask questions.

"I still wonder if it would be easier, having him here." He glanced, finally, at the other. "Don't you feel the same... about the others of your team? You're missing two, at least. Aren't you?"

Because he recalled that day almost perfectly. There had been three chasing him. McCrane... and two others he hadn't seen here.

"Who is that?"

"They have to have uploaded something, if you were going to make a believable opponent. But it wouldn't be the same information that they gave to us."

He is particularly glad that Kagerou has a friend in Kay, when he gets like this. One of McCrane's biggest worries in regards to Kagerou had often been how he'd behave around humans, without the interactions with them that the other Brave Police had come to expect. It isn't so much of a worry, now...

But he still sees how it could have gone the other way, and that's uncomfortable, because...

It could have been like that, for any of them.

"Power Joe and Dumpson," he admits, very very quietly. "There has not been a time in my life when they were not present." Until he'd arrived here. "Without them...yes. Yes, I think it is the same. Sometimes, when I think about them--I hurt."

He missed the easy way that Power Joe or Dumpson would talk while working, or the shows they'd watch, or the feeling when the three of them synched to form Build Tiger. Just having Drill Boy had taken a great weight off his shoulders...and if that is how it feels for Kagerou, to be without Shadowmaru...

"If he were here, I think you'd not mind being out of place."

It would have helped acclimatize Kagerou to the other Brave Police, as well.

"Duke. He was built to be Deckerd's replacement." At this, McCrane frowns. It is still a concept that is uncomfortable to him. "He was instructed very differently from the rest of us, and for a time--that clashed."

"They did," he says, flatly. "I know how to fight. I know how to move unseen. How to fly. How to change form. How to maintain and perform basic repairs on myself, and frames like mine. I know how to utilize my spy circuits to their highest effect. And how to teach all of that to the one I was meant to die for." He looks at McCrane then, expression remote, detached. "I know -- knew -- nothing of the world outside our facility. Nothing of how the world worked. How the rain felt. What made the stars shine. I had never so much as seen the ocean until the night I broke out."

He shakes his head. "So, no. It was not the same data any of you had. Not in any way."

After that, he falls silent. He doesn't typically speak that much at one time. It's outside of the quiet persona a ninja was meant to have. He nods, though, as he listens, despite his reply being a long time in coming.

"At least, when you return... you know you'll see them again. You have that certainty."

Something he doesn't have. He is, however, making an attempt to sound reassuring.

If he were here...

A lot of things would be different, wouldn't they? He wouldn't feel so alone. So much like he was hanging on the edges of their team, too afraid to step in, too lonely to move away. It was an unsettling existence. One he sometimes thought he would do anything to change.

"No. I wouldn't. I would be where I was meant to be... where his shadow is meant to be."

Duke's description earns a quiet sound. Maybe it's meant to be a laugh. Maybe he's just trying to imitate breathing. "Clashed," he says, dryly. "Doesn't that sound familiar."

The words from Kagerou silence him.

It was the most he'd ever heard the ninja robot say at once, and he can feel the emotion behind it despite the flat tone. This was a life that was specifically meant to be stifled, and was specifically treated as nothing more than a machine--a means to an ends.

This was the life all of them would have had, without Yuuta and Saeijima.

"How do you feel about the world, now?"

Now that he's seen so much of what was kept from him.

"I do have that certainty--if a way can be found to return. I have not seen one yet. All we have, right now, is what is in front of us."

The Haven. He was still glad for it, even if the lack of progress on returning did concern him.

The lighter subject is a welcome one, even if Duke was still a bit of a controversy back home. That was far away, still.

"I don't know that any of our introductions have been easy ones." He couldn't help but smile a little, remembering the problems of the past and how they'd overcome them. "Which is why I think you will fit in, Kagerou. We survived Gunmax, after all."

The silence stretches. He does nothing to ease it. Not yet. Maybe it means he's made his point. Or... maybe he's said too much. He's not sure. He's never sure when it comes to the others.

Or when he's said too much. He always seems to be something of an uncomfortable subject.

"It's not how I pictured it being," he admits. "It's darker. Dangerous. Isolating. Confusing..." He shakes his head. "... I still... want to see the rain, sometime."

There wasn't much in the way of weather, here. And he had, admittedly, liked hearing the sound of it on the facility's roof.

"And what is it you see in front of us?" he asks, somewhat absently. But entirely curiously.

The mention of Gunmax earns a quiet scoff.

"I still have a hard time believing he's one of you."

"The rain?"

It was a request he wasn't expecting, but he'd always taken the rain for granted. Here...there hadn't been rain, had there? He had almost failed to notice its absence with no one to point it out.

"We have structures to build to keep this haven safe. When we no longer have to worry about our friends disappearing in the night...then I will be able to worry about something else."

If he tried to worry about everything right now, he knew his AI would glitch. There was too much to think on...

...though the thought of Gunmax does make him smile, even so.

"He was not built to be one of us. He was...like you. He was programmed to be sent to a different precinct. Because of that, it took him longer to fit in."

"Yes."

He'd never felt it. Once or twice, one of the sections of roof leaked a little, allowing the water to fall in. But he'd never stood out under it. It always seemed... it seemed so alive, somehow. "I watched it. I wondered what it would feel like to stand under."

Maybe it was a foolish request. It didn't matter here, anyway.

"You think structures are going to keep our friends from leaving us?" he asked. He didn't mean it harshly. He didn't even particularly mean it in any way other than simple curiosity. Though... there was a sharper edge to the words, all the same -- like dulled knives.

The new subject didn't make him smile. He only frowned a little.

Like him.

Wouldn't that have been nice to know, before so many awkward conversations had happened?

"Did they reformat him, then?"

That was his automatic thought, when anyone mentioned reassignment.

"You have never been out in the rain, Kagerou?"

He didn't know how to feel about that. Kagerou had already been here, on Cybertron, for longer than he'd probably been alive back on Earth--but there were some things that this Cybertron did not have. There were a lot of things, really.

"I think that having something approaching civilization will make it harder for the chaos outside to intrude. Then, maybe, we can have the technology to keep everyone safe..."

Like the ping system he wanted to build. And, perhaps, better structures would make a better defense against monster attacks.

"I don't--"

He starts to say he doesn't know, and then stops. He doesn't know, but not only does he not know, he ever even considered it. If Kagerou had been made to have his memory wiped...then why not Gunmax?

"I hope not," he says instead, very softly. "He has been through enough, without that."

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